


write your name (across my heart)

by IronButterfly



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-01
Updated: 2015-07-01
Packaged: 2018-04-07 05:31:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4251162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IronButterfly/pseuds/IronButterfly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes Eggsy hated that Harry would willingly and without a second thought give up on anything and everything, just because of <i>love</i>. And while Harry found that to be as great a reason as any, Eggsy found it difficult to accept his own weaknesses, let alone Harry’s bullheaded agenda to protect him from any sort of harm.</p><p>Well, anything that could be seen, or, at least, identified.</p><p>(Set post-Kingsman, Eggsy starts to have lapses in his memory.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	write your name (across my heart)

**Author's Note:**

> Not Beta-ed or heavily edited, so if there are any major errors, feel free to let me know!

“And since they’ve already laid low, we must hurry with the extraction. Try to predict their next move and block them. Get them right where we need them and make them tap. They have to tap. We haven’t got much time left for planning, either: the officials are arriving next week, so it should be done by the end of this one. There’s no other choice.”

 

Choices. Those had always been funny to Harry. Mostly because, in the kind of life that he led, they’d never been very difficult. There was always a blatantly more appealing side to every decision – one side was always more beneficial, or, if he was feeling like a good man, selfless and fair. (This happened more often than not, if one chose to believe that.)

 

Eggsy, however, had been difficult-ish (of course _that_ is easy to believe). At any given moment, Harry had a hard time understanding if Eggsy was making him feel weak-kneed from adoration alone, or, mildly put, annoying the fuck out of him. And the worst of that confusion was that sometimes he wasn’t sure which reason he had for wanting to seal Eggsy’s lips with his own: to relieve the tightness in his chest, or to stop him from making another irrelevant excuse for carelessly throwing himself into danger.

 

Deciding. Allowing. Making up his mind to attach himself to a partner. To be weakened. To lust. To touch. To love. To realize that he’d found the only person he could imagine living the rest of his days with. To fight.

 

Harry sunk even lower down into the chair in the corner of Merlin’s office, gulping down all of the left-over tea before huffing out a deep breath. His thoughts were distracted, thanks to his pounding headache, and the blood in his ears was rushing loudly over Merlin’s voice. Still, he willed himself to listen, despite knowing all the major details, already.

 

“We still haven’t determined the exact number of their associates, but, evidently, we can expect quite a bunch of these guys, and who the fuck knows what else they might have up their sleeves,” Merlin said, leaning back in his own chair, and casting a wary glance at the leader of their organization. Though his tone was careful, Harry noted, he was no longer trying to talk him out of tackling the mission single handedly. Had it to do with the fact that he’d finally got his point across, or the other man had simply given up on trying to make him see sense, mattered little to Harry. Merlin continued, “If our last encounter with them is anything to go by, then they aren’t quite the type who easily give up on their goals. They don’t do chit chats or take hostages, they’ll want to kill you.”

 

“Then I’ll lead them on a merry fight.” Harry mumbled, eyes skirting along the walls of the office. Had it always been this small? “I’ll be fine.”

 

“Your motivation is praise-worthy,” Merlin sneered, but it was affectionate somehow and seeped with mild concern, “but it doesn’t mean a damn thing. If they can, these people will rip you in half. No matter how confident in your abilities you are, or how pure your intentions.”

 

“Do you have better suggestions?” Harry turned to attention, his nostrils flaring slightly, “What would you do in my place?”

 

That was probably a needling question, Harry knew, but he’d said it anyway, because if Merlin could endlessly pester him about making reckless and hasty decisions, while being perfectly aware of his delicate situation, then Harry certainly could allow himself this moment of cruelty. They both knew that Harry’d be the wisest choice for accomplishing the said mission, and given the near chaotic state Kingsman was slowly slipping into due to the recent events, the most competent at it, too. And no matter how much Merlin would insist to send in another agent instead of him, they both just knew that it wouldn’t work out.

 

Merlin didn’t even dignify him with a proper answer. Just gave him a look – no, Harry corrected himself mentally, it was _the_ look. The look that he’d been throwing at Harry for almost a year now. Harry hated it.

 

At first, he had connected it with the great losses Kingsman had endured during V-day and its disastrous aftermath, having left little hope for light, and, God knew, Merlin had lost his own lightness. It’d become harder for him to smile, harder to live with the weighing guilt of old misdoings and infinitely harder to remember his fallen companions in their light, not their tragedy. 

 

In the first two years that Harry and Eggsy’d been together, Harry would notice Merlin shoot thoughtful (at times, unsettling) glances in their direction. He hadn’t been the least surprised when Eggsy and Harry fell into one another; At bloody last, he’d said, so Harry was yet to uncover the true meaning behind that look. The most exasperating thing about the situation, perhaps, was that almost everyone in Harry’s life had apparently come to some sort of unanimous agreement to only ever regard him with that look. Harry had realized that during one of their Friday dinners with Michelle Unwin. She had been more than happy for his son, though she’d been acting rather reserved towards Harry at first. But still. When they came around, sometimes Harry would catch Michelle observing them with the loneliest look in her eye, unable to look away from their private moments.

 

And suddenly, Harry would find himself saying a little prayer for Eggsy: when he was out on a mission alone, when he was sleeping next to him, when he was going to the market. Just a small prayer, a small hope. A hope that he’d always be safe. A hope that neither of them would know Michelle’s pain. That last part was a bit of a selfish prayer, but then again Harry Hart was nothing but selfish when it came to Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin.

 

Because the thing was, that despite everything, Harry knew that Eggsy would be fine without him. He was sure of that. Despite Eggsy’s young age and spike of love for danger, Eggsy was careful and calculating and smart. Merlin had stated as much: _“One of the best damn agents Kingsman’s ever known.”_ And a part of Harry had tried not to boost with pride at the man’s remark, while another, more realistic part of him, had long accepted that the boy’s accomplishments were no one’s but his own. So, yes, Eggsy would likely live just fine without Harry, he’d find someone else if he wanted to. In the event that Harry was no longer there, Eggsy would pick himself up and try again.

 

Harry wasn’t very confident that he himself would be able to pull off such a feat.

 

“You’ve told him, then?” Merlin broke the silence, voice uncharacteristically quiet.

 

Harry shrugged impassively and cast his eyes down. “Not, yet. I will”

 

“Scared?”

 

 _Nonsense_ , would've been his usual response, and it was ready on the tip of his tongue. And Harry would have just dismissed the question if it was any other time, if he was with anyone else, if they had been talking about someone else. He just sighed tiredly.

 

“Of course I bloody am.” He said, “You know him. Any situation which involves me in possible danger and him being out of control won’t blow over well.”

 

“An expected reaction, I suppose.” The magician mused. “After what happened in Kentucky, he’ll lose his grip a little bit if he can’t control something.”

 

“Believe me.” Harry gave a humorless laugh. “I’d love some control right now.”

 

“He’ll be alright, Harry.” Merlin said firmly, finally turning to face him, “Eggsy’s a strong lad.”

 

“I know that.”

 

“You should tell him soon, though.”

 

“I will.”

 

Harry slipped out of his armchair then, stretching his shoulders and heading to the door with a nod of goodbye at his friend. He picked up his glasses and phone, and noticed the screen of his mobile blinking. “I will.” He repeated absentmindedly, reading his two new text messages.

 

_-Bring tea on your way home?_

_-JB’s found ur slippers again!! XD_

 

And Harry was immediately reminded of why exactly he was doing this.

 

* * *

 

When Eggsy first showed signs of being sick, it struck everyone as unusual, but Harry was the first one to voice concern. Although sometimes clumsy, Eggsy wasn’t the type to forget anything. Misplaced keys, forgotten dates and numbers, misremembered phone messages –simple occurrences to other people, but not to Eggsy. Not to a trained Kingsman agent whose entire work bent to the notion of being aware of every single detail: inside and out, forwards and backwards, no affordance to forget. And putting Eggsy’s rather unsavory background on top of the pile, Harry felt that something was wrong then and there and immediately suggested that he go see a doctor. But Eggsy, well, being Eggsy, shrugged it off. Said that Harry worried too much. Said that he was perfectly fine.

 

That changed drastically when one fine morning Eggsy woke up with a lost look in his eyes, not remembering whose house he was in and unable to recall Harry’s name (and nearly sending the older man into a cardiac arrest in the process), and he finally accepted that he might, just might have a small problem. Accepted that something might be happening to him.

 

With no excuses and defenses left, Harry would have been damned, if he’d let Eggsy’s condition be overlooked for one more day. The first thing he did after Eggsy had more or less regained his composure, was call Merlin. It was the most logical thing to do: surely the man would know…something. Something that Harry didn’t. Something that Harry’d failed to protect Eggsy from. And that was the painful conclusion.

 

(For which, Harry was later subjected to a long lecture from Merlin, which was mostly something along the lines of _stop beating yourself over this, for fuck’s sake_ and _you couldn’t have known_ and _will you please pull your head outa your ass and see that you’re not the only one who cares for the lad? Do you think we’re not worried? And won’t do absolutely everything to make sure he’s well?_ )

 

Merlin knew someone from Berlin. Wolfgang. A specialist.

 

“That’s very odd. You’re far too young for early onset Alzheimer’s.” The man, who didn’t look at all like a doctor, if you asked Harry, said. He had scrawny limbs and pale skin and large blue eyes. There was something eccentric, almost cynical about the way he held himself. “Perhaps there’s a past head trauma? Though head injuries that cause a concussion can lead to confusion or remembering new information, they usually don’t cause amnesia. Or inherently: any family history or mental illness?”

 

Eggsy took a deep breath, but Merlin answered for him, “No head trauma, no. And no illness on either of his parent’s side that we know of.”

 

Wolfgang managed a small polite smile, as he looked on at Harry, who sat quietly in the chair next to Eggsy’s, as if to check if the man had anything to add or not. He hadn’t said a word. Only there for support. There for Eggsy, because he didn’t seem to belong to much other place. Not when Eggsy needed him.

 

“I hate to suggest this, because there’s never been a case for us to believe otherwise…” He threw one last careful look at Harry, “but how often have you been on active duty during the last few months?”

 

Eggsy’s eyebrows rose high and he cocked his head in confusion. “Like always? I mean – not more often than most, I don’t think. We did have to run a few tests with weapons, but it ain’t nothing unusual.” He paused, looked back and forth between Merlin and the scientist and said, “Wait. You don’t honestly think it’s the kingsman job that’s causing this, no?”

 

“Truly? I don’t know.” Wolfgang sighed. “It could be the physical strain itself – perverse effects to exhaustion or emotional shock, even. In this case a person may lose personal memories and autobiographical information, but only briefly. Not repeatedly. But it could be…” He shrugged. “Anything, really. I’ve never seen anything like this before.”

 

“So the best thing you can tell us is you ‘don’t know’?” Merlin asked, beginning to feel frustrated. He was the one who’d recommended they see this man, after all.

 

“It suffers me to say this, but there is nothing I can definitely conclude about what is happening to your young man’s memory. And a tricky thing it is – the human memory, no one’s got it figured out completely.” Wolfgang said apologetically from his seat at the desk. “We can still run tests, and do more research, but at this very moment, I’m afraid, we’re – “

 

“Useless,” Harry bit out, finally, his eyes fixed firmly on the snow globe sitting on the corner of Wolfgang’s desk. “There’s nothing you can do to help us.”

 

Wolfgang sighed. No matter how many times one did it, it never became any easier to deliver fateful and fruitless news. Especially not to two (Eggsy, excluded) of the most tense-shouldered and hard-headed men he’d ever met, one who obviously found it his mission in life to protect the young agent, the other a man who felt responsible for the other two and was determined to find every possible route around the word ‘no’.

 

“The only suggestion I can give you for now is to consider backing away from field jobs and such. At least until we find some answers.”

 

* * *

 

Shortly after Harry was assigned as the new Arthur, they’d fallen in love. Although, neither could pin point the exact moment it happened and what they could count as their ‘time together’. Had it started that fateful day at the taylor’s where Harry had taken him to get the measurements for his very first suit? Or when they’d ended up in a Kentucky hospital, with Harry in bed, multiple tubes attached to his body and Eggsy ever so loyal sitting by his side and when he’d caught Harry’s apologetic gaze, offered him a tired smile? Or when Eggsy had  surprised Harry for his birthday a few days after his discharging, knowing that he’d be spending it all alone, bottle of champagne in hand and the brightest smile on his face?

There was an unspoken bond that formed when they slipped into one another. Somehow their souls had latched and there was no stepping back from it.

That had been a choice for Harry. One of the easiest in his life. One that he wouldn’t regret, not even in this circumstances.

He would do everything and anything to ensure Eggsy’s safety and well-being, but he would’ve never asked Eggsy to quit Kingsman, even if he so desperately wanted him to. Because the first time he suggested that Eggsy should take a break, what happened was this:

 

“Harry.” Eggsy had said, reaching and clasping Harry’s larger hand between his own. “I’m fine, yeah? Ain’t nothing out there that I can’t handle! I’ll be real careful and if something –n _if_ something goes wrong, I’ll tell you first thing, honest!”

 

Harry had been silent for a few long moments, all the while brushing reverent fingers through Eggsy’s dark blonde hair and amusing the possibility of a world in which he’d be able to deny Eggsy anything.

 

“Do you promise to let me know immediately if anything seems amiss to you?”

 

Eggsy’s face had lit up instantly. “Yes! Yes, ‘course I will, bruv!”

 

“Even if it’s something little, something seemingly insignificant..”

 

“Yes, Harry!”

 

“And you’re not doing anything strenuous.” Harry had added with the air of finality, that brooked no denial. “I’ll be handpicking a mission for you.”

 

Eggsy had faked an annoyed sigh, but the grin, stretching across his face hadn’t been quite convincing. “ _Yes, Harry_!” He’d said, picking Harry’s hand back up and peppering the palm of it with soft, grateful kisses.

 

Harry couldn’t ask him to quit. He was not a strong enough man. But there was no pain worse than watching the love of your life struggle to say your name, clawing at memories, wondering where he was. It wasn’t a daily or even a weekly thing, but witnessing it just once was enough pain to last a lifetime.

 

Fortunately Eggsy wasn’t stubborn enough not to realize the level of detriment his memory lapses could cause. Especially after it started showing in his performances and there was the rising threat of others finding out of his predicament. After the third time in four months, he left the house to walk JB, to collect himself, then came back, slipping into their bed beside Harry and taking the book from the older man’s hands.

 

When asked if anything was wrong, Eggsy just hummed, face tucked under the space between Harry’s chin, where he usually liked to nuzzle into. “I’ll quit.” He said suddenly and Harry immediately tensed, alert. “I will, until we figure things out, but I still want to help! Do something, anything…don’t want to be a bother, you get me? Ya already do so much for me and I don’t wantch’a to feel bad over me not – “

 

“Eggsy, _stop_.” Harry pleaded, and his voice was filled with agony. “You fool.” He slid down the mattress a bit, arranging their bodies, so that they were lying chest to chest. Harry gently knocked their foreheads together, framing the sides of Eggsy’s face between his hands. “Darling, if you think – now listen carefully, Eggsy. Your well-being comes first, no matter what. And duty be damned, you always come first. You can decide to take a break for a while, and no one will judge you. You can decide to quit and never work on the field or for Kingsman again, and no one will judge you. You do know that, right?”

 

“I know that.” Eggsy had furrowed his brows in thought, and Harry would have found it incredibly endearing if not for the seriousness of the situation. “Just wanta be doing something. Dn’t want to consume all your time with, well…me.”

 

“My love,” Harry said then, meaning to be chiding, but sounding achingly fond, “you say that like you haven’t already.”

 

* * *

Eggsy, however, hadn’t completely quit. He was a kingsman to the core, and refused to stop all together, while he still could be of some use. He could still plan, still help Merlin in the tech department, still go to the gym, still pretend he was fully functioning. Even though he was a spy, mostly dealing with desk work, he was still one of the best, and people sill needed and appreciated his work. At least, he hoped so.

 

* * *

 

“Your thoughts on the weapon, Galahad?” Harry announced out of the blue, without taking his e yes off the papers in front of him. Roxy startled a bit and looked up to find Eggsy mirroring her look of mild surprise, standing at the doorway, behind Harry’s back, eyes inspecting the weapon shown on the monitor.

 

“How did you…” Eggsy said and trailed off, shaking his head, and stepping in, “Nevermind. You probably have an eye or two at the back of your head or something.”

 

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Harry said, but the corners of his lips ticked up in unrestrained amusement, “I have no more eyes apart the two atop my nose. And that the backs of people’s ears have a light dusting of hair which is extremely sensitive to abrupt temperature changes and movements, is a well known fact. And you too, would have been aware of this, had you actually been paying attention during our previous – “

 

“Yeah, yeah. Alright.” Eggsy waved at him, sauntering to the fireplace where Harry was keeping warm, sitting in his armchair with research piled around him in every direction. He placed a mug of freshly brewed coffee into Harry’s hands, while his own lingered on the older man’s shoulder, “No more dozing during meetings. Satisfied?”

 

“Very.” Harry murmured as he gave a small kiss as toll for his coffee. A hum spilled from him. He put his coffee down and pulled Eggsy down again for a slightly longer kiss, still rather chaste, but enjoyable.

 

They pulled away soon at the sound of Roxy clearing her throat pointedly at them, but when Eggsy looked up, she was standing by the door, ready to leave. He shot her an apologetic look, and Roxy just rolled her eyes.

 

“I’ve finished the paperwork and with your permission, Arthur, I’d like to retire for the night.” She waited for Harry’s approval, then paused in the doorway, saying, almost as an afterthought, “Oh, and Eggsy? He could see your reflection in the silver milk pot.”

 

Roxy allowed herself a small satisfied grin, as Harry chortled and Eggsy cuffed Harry lightly over the back of his head.

 

“Ya sly fox.” Eggsy murmured fondly, pressing another kiss to Harry’s temple and stepping away. He gestured at the papers scattered around them, “How much of this ‘ve you got left, then? I can do it for yeh.”

 

Harry’s smile only grew wider in response, as he gestured to a huge pile of folders to his lift. “Be my guest.”

 

“Fuck.” Eggsy gasped theatrically, nearly sending Harry off again. “Why on Earth must you make me suffer?” Eggsy groaned as he dropped back lazily onto the couch, stretching his body to length.

 

“You’ll pull through, I’m sure,” Harry said boredly, but as always, there was an inflection of love in his tone and a crooked smile to go with it.

 

Eggsy sighed, lifting one of the folders off of the coffee table. Profiles and notes. “New assignment?”

 

Harry didn’t look up from his notebook. “The Russian man from the human trafficking ring. He’s not new. Lancelot’s paid him a little visit today.”

 

Eggsy  laughed, “Good girl Rox!” He stretched again, slapping the folder back down, then groaned at the stiffness in his shoulders and the soreness of his back muscles. Apparently, overworking at the gym after so many weeks of inactivity hadn’t been one of his greatest ideas. He flinched as he tried to ignore it, but Harry noticed.

 

Eggsy watched firelight tint Harry’s cheeks as he put his notebook down and walked the length to the couch, stopping along the way to grab the often used analgesic from the coffee table drawer. He nodded to Eggsy to strip his shirt, and he watched silently, eyes warm.

 

“That night in the hospital,” Harry said quietly, while deftly rubbing his fingers over the muscles of Eggsy’s back and shoulders, layering them with medicine. His eyes were dark and languid in the flicker of the burning fireplace. “I told you I would always be honest with you.”

 

“You did.” Eggsy confirmed, not looking up, too focused on the relief Harry’s hands were providing. “Why? Is that changing?”

 

He’d said it jokingly, but after a few moments, when there was no answer from the older man, Eggsy turned around, catching Harry’s wrist before he could pull away. He waited. “I and Merlin have been finishing up the planning for the coming mission. The big one. With the Spanish.”

 

Eggsy went quiet. A thoughtful quiet. “And?”

 

“I’ve decided to fight again.”

 

Eggsy’s brow furrowed and his eyes shot up to meet his gaze. “Fighting? Like...before you was shot in tha head? All badass with guns and the rainmaker..?”

 

Harry didn’t smile. “Yes.”

 

Eggsy took the medicine from Harry’s hand and put it aside. “I mean I knew you were…obviously you’d been training in the shooting range and all. Coming home with the bruises, but I thought you was just messing ‘round.”

 

Harry chose to ignore the boy’s last comment and shook his head. “I’ve been training. I know that I’ve been cleared from active duty, but I find that this case is something I must see to myself. When it’s dealt with, I assure you, I won’t be going on the field for a long while yet. At least, not until we get the help you ne –“

 

“I don’t _need_ help.”

 

“Yes, you do. We do. How long do you recon till the medication stops having its effect? We need to meet new doctors…hear what other experts have to offer. Before long, people will know you’re sick, and you won’t be able to do your job anymore. And after this mission – this last mission – I will take a load off, so we can fully concentrate on your recovery.”

 

“Harry, this is just –“

 

“And it’s to clear my head.” Harry admitted reluctantly, “I’m not exactly stress free at the moment.”

 

He could practically feel Eggsy’s defenses go up. “You don’t have to feel stress. You don’t even have to stay with me!”

 

The room went eerily quiet upon Eggsy’s outburst, and Eggsy knew that he wasn’t being fair. It was a low jab, one that Harry had in no way deserved. He knew just how much his condition had and was affecting the older man, saw the evidence of it every day: in the desperate way Harry would kiss him, in the way he would whisper Eggsy’s name, like it held all the answers to every question in the universe, in the way he would accompany him to every single therapy and appointment with various doctors and scientists. In the way Harry would smile tightly down at him, squeeze his shoulder and assure him that such things took time, as if the detached fruitless lectures the doctors gave, didn’t absolutely shatter his heart into million pieces.

 

Eggsy knew all that and more, and it wasn’t any easier for him to watch Harry’s eyes clench shut and jaw tighten, as pained as Eggsy’d ever seen him.

 

But when Harry spoke, he made sure that their gazes met, so that Eggsy could feel the full weight of his answer. “That is just not an option.”

 

From where Eggsy was still sitting on the floor, he tried not to flinch away at the weak, sorrowed look in Harry’s eyes, knowing that he was the one who’d caused it. But then Harry held out his hand, and Eggsy took it, hastily scrabbling up to his feet and onto the couch, knees straddling Harry’s thighs. He hid his face into the perfect spot where Harry’s neck met his shoulder.

 

“I’m sorry.” He mumbled petulantly, lips tucked against Harry’s neck. “Shouldn’t have said that. I just worry…”

 

“I know.” Harry assured, running soothing hands up and down Eggsy’s back. “God, Eggsy, I know. And it’s perfectly understandable that you do, given our line of work, but you needn’t forget that I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, despite what you might believe.”

 

Eggsy nodded, but couldn’t quite stop the next question forming, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

“I’m telling you now.”

 

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

 

“Because I knew you’d try to stop me.” Harry answered honestly, never really stopping touching Eggsy, arms now looped possessively around Eggsy’s waist. “I knew you wouldn’t be pleased with me going undercover alone, even for a short period of time. You’d start worrying and probably work yourself into a state…”

 

“I would do no such thing!” Eggsy said indignantly, raising his head momentarily from where it’d been resting against Harry’s shoulder, to glare halfheartedly down at the man.

 

“Oh, but you would, my love.” Harry protested playfully, not even trying to conceal his amused grin. “You can be rather insufferable, you know?”

 

“Shut up.” Eggsy laughed, “You’re one to talk! Remember Tokyo?”

 

“That was…different.” Harry made a clicking noise with his tongue, “It was a row of unfortunate events based on a slight miscalculation.”

 

Eggsy raised a skeptical eyebrow at him, “So what you’re essentially saying is that you wouldn’t have threatened to drown the son of the second most influential man in the country in the Sumida river for checking me out, had you known that he wasn’t actually the target we were after, yeah?”

 

“Checking out is a generous term,” Harry said dryly, without batting an eye, “Besides, Merlin caught his error soon enough, and I profoundly apologized afterwards.”

 

“You got us kicked out.” The younger man said incredulously, “And promising someone to find less painful ways to end their life, doesn’t really qualify as an apology, does it?”

 

“Yes, well.” Harry said, cocking his head to the side and in the moment, he looked so sheepish, so absurdly young that Eggsy couldn’t help but laugh and lean in to pepper kisses all over that smug face.

 

“We’re a right pair, aren’t we?” Eggsy said, breathless. Harry just hummed in response, as his hands found the small of Eggsy’s back, and he rubbed him there as they lay in silence. Sleep was spreading behind his eyelids before Eggsy sat up, speaking.

 

“Still. I don’t want you to fight.”

 

“Are you asking me not to?”

 

Eggsy shook his head and kissed his shoulder with a heavy breath. “I’m jus’ saying that I don’t want you to fight.”

 

Harry, it seemed to Eggsy, had been doing a hell of a lot of fighting lately – for both their relationship and his well-being, Kingsman, the missions…Sometimes Eggsy hated that Harry would willingly and without a second thought give up on anything and everything, just because of love. And while Harry found that to be as great a reason as any, Eggsy found it difficult to accept his own weaknesses, let alone Harry’s bullheaded agenda to protect him from any sort of harm.

 

Well, anything that could be seen, or, at least, identified.

 

“I’m leaving this Sunday,” Harry told him, just as Eggsy’s eyes became heavy. Harry smiled and then chuckled as Eggsy immediately perked his eyes back open as if he hadn’t been dozing off just then. “Let’s go home.” Harry said, pressing a tender kiss to the younger man’s forehead.

 

* * *

 

When Harry was twenty one and high-stepping his way through Kingsman, reckless and as hot-headed as they came, he’d never have imagined that one day, his age, leaning on the wrong side of his fifties, he would meet a young man named Gary “Eggsy” Unwin that he would be willing to give everything to. That he would one day break into an evil mastermind’s lair who was attempting to launch a mind controlling device, with hopes of returning and inadvertently saving that boy’s life. That the feeling of bruised sides, and fractured ribs would mean that once the job was done he could peacefully step off – maybe even retire – so that new doctors could be visited, medications could be bought, dinners could be made.

 

There was no way Harry could’ve possibly known all of that then, and if at the time someone had come up to him and informed him of that, he would have, at the very least, snorted in disbelief. All he used to know was the glory of being good at something. Great, even. All those newspaper covers graced him for being able to accomplish such praiseworthy deeds, and that was all that used to matter.

 

Now it wasn’t for glory, or even his title. It was to save someone he’d never imagined would need saving. It was to forget those heart-wrenching memories of seeing Eggsy doe-eyed and forgetful, finding it difficult to refocus. It was to make sure that they’d never have to go through it again.

 

“If you were just going to ignore everything I’d say, you could’ve just said so,” Merlin’s clipped voice rang through his kingsman issued glasses. He didn’t yell or even raise his voice. Harry wished he had. “I’m not a cheap radio and I would’ve gladly got off your back. And gladly watch you go ahead and get yourself killed for all I care…”

 

“Merlin.” Harry interrupted, tiredly.

 

“Arthur.” Merlin returned mildly, challenging. And then. “What do you think you were even doing in there, huh? Going into that fucking madman’s ladder with half a heart, didn’t even double check the head-count, got a bloody fucking face and refused back-up, all because of what? That you can’t even stay focused for long enough to get what we need…?”

 

“I managed well enough, thank you!” Harry spat. “I recall you saying something about getting off my back..?.”

 

“Fine.” Merlin huffed. “Just wait till I have your sorry ass at the HQ, you’ll see what a real earful is-“

 

“I’m turning this thing off.” Harry warned, while checking another corner.

 

“Fine.” Merlin repeated, sounding not the least bit impressed. “Just reminding. For fuck’s sake, Harry, this isn’t just about fighting or not fighting anymore. This is all about him. Didn’t _you_ say so? You wanna save him? Fucking do your job! Of what use will you be to the boy dead? Your best isn’t enough right now. Your all is the only payment that matters. This building? I want it on the fucking ground. You hear me?”

 

Harry nodded.

 

“Then make it fall and get the fuck out of there!”

 

Harry could see Eggsy, sitting in their living room, pretending that he hadn’t been nagging Merlin every few minutes for updates on him, busying himself with trash telly and playing with JB.  He could see him so clearly, with his face and that pout which his lovely mouth would no doubt be curved into.

 

He wanted to be home, to touch him, to have all of those moments again and again. Surviving this mission was not about choice or options. Merlin was right – there was only one way to return home, for good.

 

So before turning another corner, Harry loaded his gun and sent a fast fingered text to Eggsy. He didn’t call: he didn’t want to hear him just yet. He could wait until he was home. To lay eyes on him.

_-Almost done. And I love you. Be home soon. Xx_

* * *

 

When Harry got home, the lights were already out and there was no sight of Eggsy in the living room, where the boy tended to wait up on him. Eggsy wasn’t the early-to-bed type, but it was well after midnight, so Harry didn’t think much of it. He was somewhat glad that Eggsy had gone to bed, instead of waiting for him and no doubt exhausting himself with worry. Harry would never want Eggsy to go through that.

 

He crept back to the bedroom, and found Eggsy on his side of the bed, dangerously close to the edge, sleeping, still in his street clothes and with JB curled in a ball and snoring lightly at his feet. Harry smiled. Judging from the position the younger man had fallen asleep in and the tight set of his jaw, it was obvious that Eggsy hadn’t meant to fall asleep at all. He used to tease Eggsy about it, about how easily and suddenly he tended to fall asleep when he was well and truly exhausted: all he’d need was a flat surface, sometimes even less. And it was just another thing to love. Another quirk that made it so exciting to fall in love with him, to want to learn every inch of him.

 

Eggsy was an easy choice.

 

“Love,” Harry whispered, kneeling on the side of the bed and trickling his fingers over the stretch of Eggsy’s neck. “Hey, darling. Wake up.”

 

Eggsy moaned and started to stir. He tried blinking.

 

“I’m back, love. Merlin didn’t even insist I show up in the HQ tonight, as if I’m an old man or something.”

 

His eyes opened.

 

Eggsy jolted back from Harry’s touch and scooted back into Harry’s territory of the bed so suddenly that Harry couldn’t tell who, out of the two of them looked more startled in that moment. Eggsy was looking around the room with wide, confused eyes, until sending a brief betrayed look at JB, who was still sleeping serenely, as if accusing him in not alerting him sooner and… _oh_.

 

Harry felt his stomach churn. He was going to be sick.

 

“Who the fuck…?”

 

Harry held his hands up wearily, and took a few steps back, as they both stood on either side of the room. He could see Eggsy’s eyes dart nervously around the room, stopping on Harry, then on the door: he looked ready to bolt, to put up a fight, and Harry felt faint at the sight.

 

That night he’d gone onto his last field job, possibly forever. Definitely, until Eggsy would have got better. That night he had been meaning to return home, more than relieved and knowing that he wouldn’t have to worry about any impending danger to Kingsman, that he would finally completely be able to focus on aiding and hurrying Eggsy’s recovery. And somehow he’d still managed to forget that this was what he was trying to save Eggsy from. He’d forgotten that this was a possibility, and their world wasn’t as simple anymore. There were no real guarantees.

 

“My name is Harry. I live here with you.” He chose his words carefully. “You’re Eggsy. You-“

 

“I know who I am, thanks!” Eggsy snapped. “And I live here. Not you, not with you. I don’t even know who the fuck you are.”

 

If someone had punched Harry in the gut, it would have hurt less.

 

“Dar – Eggsy, If you just…try to calm down,” Harry breathed, gathering his wits enough to make a sound. He knew the look in his eyes. Panic. Eggsy’s eyes were shooting around the room, trying to find something to ground himself with, to make sense of his surroundings. “Just think of – “

 

“Look, guv. I ain’t got no idea who you are, and you have three seconds to get outa here, or I’m gonna force ya to leave. Three.”

 

“Alright, alright.” Harry didn’t want to go. Not tonight. Not ever, but definitely not tonight. His jaw was set tight in frustration. “Okay, just…look around – look at your nightstand. There – that’s a photo of us, taken just a few months ago. See there –“

 

“’r you fucking deaf?” Eggsy hissed, but his eyes were looking at the photo. It was a photo of them standing near an absurdly tall and brightly decorated Christmas tree, with Daisy between them, plastered to Eggsy’s side and smiling a big toothy grin. God, they’d been so happy. They still were. They still could be…

 

“Eggsy.” Harry managed quietly, voice traitorously cracking around the word. He took a few steps around the bed so that he could look into his eyes. “Eggsy, it’s me.”

 

Eggsy took a cautious step back, shoulders tense. His eyes were still on the photo. The side of the open closet that wasn’t his. The painting on the wall that he would’ve never picked.

 

Harry got within reach and stopped. He could barely restrain himself from reaching out to touch him. His hand fell limply to his side. “It’s your Harry.”

 

And then Eggsy looked at him, like he was being challenged, like he was searching for an answer, like he wasn’t convinced.

 

“I – look, guv. I don’t know you,” Eggsy said firmly, and Harry must have looked as miserable as he was feeling, because Eggsy then added, “Look, I’m sorry, yeah? Maybe if I just –“ He looked around the room, then back at Harry. “I think I need some room. To think. You’d best leave…”

 

Somehow Harry composed himself enough to manage a few reassuring nods, more to himself than anything. He needed to breathe. “Okay. You’re right. You – I’ll just go.”

 

The walk to their front door, with Eggsy close behind, seemed the longest in his life, but not an unfamiliar one. Only now, it wasn’t to see Harry off to work or some mission. It wasn’t to end with Eggsy smiling lovingly at him and tugging him down to place soft chase kisses upon his lips. No, this walk wasn’t going to end with Eggsy whispering words of love to him and asking him to come home soon.

 

They weren’t a couple who fought a lot, but after all of their time together, naturally, they had their spats. Mostly in the beginning, when they were both still recovering from the whole Valentine business both anxious and waiting for the other to disappear any moment. Because sometimes it was frustrating to love someone with a job as dangerous as theirs.

 

So yes there’d been many times where things were tough. Spending months apart because of separate missions, butting heads because of their conflicting and different ways of thinking. But it’d always been Harry telling Eggsy to go away, always giving him a way out, telling him that Eggsy would probably be better off with someone his age, with someone better. More deserving of his love and affections.

 

They’d both known it wasn’t true, though, and Eggsy had told him seriously, in response, that he was the most invariable person in his life and that the only way he’d ever leave was if someone slit his throat. Or, if Harry fell in love with someone else and was happy elsewhere. Eggsy didn’t think Harry would ever leave for someone else. The mere idea was simply absurd for Harry. He couldn’t ever imagine conjuring the energy to love someone with as much power and sacrifice as he loved Eggsy. Somehow, he knew that Eggsy felt the same way.

 

So, whenever Eggsy’s memory became clouded, Harry hoped that there was enough love between them to overcome it, to bring Eggsy back to reality. With forgetting, there was also the chance of remembering. Of falling in love again. Their home was filled to the brim with memories, waiting to be triggered. The space they’d been sharing for years, could tell so many stories, so many secrets. Sometimes it could take hours, sometimes even days, but it would always bring his love back to him.

 

Harry had to believe in that. Or else he just might lose his mind.

 

He was outside, halfway to his car when the light from the front porch shed on him, and he heard the door click open.

 

“Wait!”

 

Harry turned, hopeful, but there was still no awareness in Eggsy’s eyes. He was Eggsy, but he still didn’t carry himself as the man who loved Harry with every fibre of his being. For him, Harry was still a stranger.

 

Eggsy walked towards him, then stopped, putting a comfortable distance between them. “Uhm…” He huffed, frustrated and scratched at his brow. Also mbarrassed, then. “I’m…sorry, what was your name again?”

 

God that hurt. “Harry. Harry Hart.”

 

“Harry. Hart.” Eggsy said, stretching the syllables and letting the name dangle on his tongue, as if trying to remember. The unfamiliarity could be seen in his eyes. “Harry.” He said again, and this time it sounded better. It seemed to fit better in his mouth, they both could tell. Eggsy shook his head, obviously distressed. “Look, I still don’t know ya and I – look, I was thinking – would yeh like to come back in?”

 

Harry’s brows rose in surprise. He hadn’t been expecting that. “Are you sure? It’s no trouble for me to go elsewhere, until you feel more comfortable.” Which was total bullshit, because Harry did not intend to go anywhere. He would sleep in the car if he had to, but leave Eggsy alone like that? That was just not an option.  “If you’re asking me to stay out of politeness, because I happen to live here –“

 

“No! That’s not it..” Eggsy said and looked down, fidgeting with his fingers. “I don’t know you. But watching you walk out that door felt … horrible.”

 

_You stay right there, I’ll sort this mess out when I get back._

 

Eggsy looked up, eyebrows knitted together in frustration. “This is all so fucking confusing.”

 

Harry could only nod in agreement.

 

“So…let’s go inside, yeah?”

 

* * *

 

If Harry, sitting on the edge of their couch as if he were a guest, was not one of the weirdest experiences in his life, then it definitely was one of the most unsettling ones. He watched silently as Eggsy moved about in the kitchen, putting together tea and resolutely not looking at Harry, and wondered if perhaps this was just some sort of twisted fever induced dream he was having. Maybe he'd got injured or shot during The Mission and was still lying bleeding, somewhere in that cold, dirty lair. For one moment, Harry wished it was actually just a dream.

 

Except that no, it wasn’t, and then Eggsy came into the room with two large mugs, and sat on the other end of the couch. It seemed like there were miles between them. Harry couldn’t recall the last time they’d sat that far apart, not even before they’d fallen in love. Harry clenched his jaw, his own frustration evident. He desperately wanted to ask the younger man if anything felt familiar to him, anything at all. Wanted to ask if he knew what Kingsman was, and if yes then, if he remembered how he’d become a part of it. Wanted to ask Eggsy if he’d eaten anything since the day before or if he’d found those pair of hideous sneakers he’d lost last week. Wanted to clutch Eggsy’s hands in his own and beg him to remember.

 

“So, uh…” Eggsy began, uncertainly, and it snapped Harry out of his thoughts. The younger man then made an awkward hand gesture, showing between himself and Harry. “This…how long?”

 

Harry couldn’t help but smile. Goddammit. “You mean, how long we’ve been a couple?” His smile grew as Eggsy nodded, flustered. “In two months, it will have been four years.”

 

“Oh.” Eggsy took a sip from his mug, “Long time, eh?”

 

Harry shrugged.

 

“And this…thing. With the forgetting…? How long have I been this way?”

 

“Just a few months.” Eight.

 

“And…how many times have I forgotten you?”

 

Harry cleared his throat. “This is…uh, the first time like this. Mostly you just forget my name. You get a bit disheveled, but recover soon enough. But this is the first time you…” Harry trailed off, unable to finish.

 

Eggsy nodded, drinking.

 

They sat quietly for a long while, Eggsy looking at their photographs (Harry realized then just how many photographs they had around. Eggsy had done that. He had prepared.)  and Harry watching him. Occasionally he’d reach out between them and scratch behind JB’s ears and neck, to which he’d earn an appreciative tail wiggle from the dog and an incredulous look from Eggsy. JB didn’t take well to strangers.

 

“I don’t understand why ya’re still here.”

 

Harry’s hand stilled mid-air. “Excuse me?”

 

Eggsy shrugged, also reaching out to pet JB. “I mean, why you’re…here with me. If you know that I’m…sick and can forget ya any moment, why on Earth would ya stay? That’s torturing yourself, bruv.”

 

Harry stared, blinking, unsure of how to respond. Then his mind trailed back to a memory from years ago, when he’d been the one trying to push Eggsy away. “You once told me that our love was the most consistent thing you’d ever had. And God knows that’s the same for me, darling.”

 

Eggsy stiffened at the endearment.

 

“Forgive me, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

 

Eggsy shook his head. “It’s…fine. I’ll just…We need sugar. Be right back.”

 

And before Harry could say anything, Eggsy had gone into the kitchen. Neither of them took sugar in their tea.

 

In Eggsy’s absence, Harry allowed himself a moment to take several bracing breaths, trying to will away the wave of sorrow that was threatening to overwhelm him. That won’t do, he told himself firmly and straightened up his hunched posture. He needed to gather his wits and pull himself together. For Eggsy’s sake. Of what use would he be to the young man like that?

 

Eggsy came back in after a few minutes, no sugar in hand, shoulders rather slumped compared to his usual prim gymnast’s stance. His eyes were wide and glassy, definitely more alert now, and at the careful and apologetic glances he was throwing at Harry, the older man shot up from the couch. Harry stood, waiting with his heart in his throat, for something. Anything.

 

After a long pause, Eggsy finally opened his mouth as if to say something, but no sound came out. He was breathing heavily, and Harry’s heart thudded deeply in his chest at the obvious struggle his love was going through. “Harry.” Eggsy sobbed out, at last, voice broken and questioning. Then, surer and far more pained. “ _Harry_ …”

 

Harry couldn’t do anything in response but nod frantically, already crossing the room towards the younger man, on shaky legs. He didn’t trust his own voice, as his throat felt too tight to even breathe, let alone speak, and he wasn’t sure that pulling out his hands from his pockets would be a wise idea either, lest Eggsy get frightened of how violently Harry’s hands were trembling.

 

Before he could decide though, Eggsy had come up to him, slipping his fingers around Harry’s cheeks and onto the sensitive spots behind his ears, rubbing soothingly, tenderly, taking in the sight of his tired face, the bruise peeking from under the collar of his shirt. Then his eyes again. “Harry. Love. I’m _so_ sorry…”

                                                             

“Don’t.” Harry whimpered, nearly collapsing right there. He grabbed Eggsy’s wrists, holding them tightly and pressing frantic kisses to his knuckles. He’d probably burst into tears if Eggsy took his hands away. He’d never survive that. “Don’t.” he said again, not even caring if he was making any sense.

 

Eggsy nodded, his fingers scrambling for a hold on him, stepping forward until their foreheads touched. “Are you hurt?” he asked lowly, his lips nearly pressed to Harry’s, his breath hot and wet against his lover’s mouth.

 

“I’m fine.”

 

“So, it’s over then?”

 

“Yes. It’s over. “

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> This fic got away from me a little bit, and I hope you weren't too confused with the timelines or Eggsy's accent (I'd realized too late, that I can't actually write accents lol) and thank you for reading!


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